Get thee to a Photoshop, SVG!
I figured that importing an SVG file into Photoshop would be similar to dealing with an EPS.
Naturally, I figured wrong. What the hell, Adobe? Wasn't SVG your idea in the first place?
Google knows everything, however, and pointed me at Inkscape, an open-source vector graphics editor.
Install. Open SVG. Save as EPS. Off to Photoshop. FLAWLESS VICTORY!
Love you long time, Inkscape.